This isn't love, this is shelter.

10 Recent Entries (0 Skipped)

Title:	blahh
Date:	2008-05-24 @ 17:23
Security:	public
Music:	the wedding present
Mood:	aggravated

is there something wrong with me that when people advertise how happy they are i want to vomit all over the floor infront of me and then take it and throw it at people. when i'm happy i'm happy but i don't feel this need to tell the whole world. i sometimes see myself as a pessamist but i feel like i'm just fucking moderate. when i'm sad i'm sad when i'm happy i'm happy. i mean i'm not going to advertise to the world how i want to go float on a fucking love boat in the sky and sprinkle confetti on everyone near me. fuck these people. I do not know what world anyone lives in but i know i live in one that is fucking continous bull shit and when i have a good day its like i like to hold onto it inside and not let anyone into my happy circle. fuck i dont know..i feel like everyone just all the sudden got fake happy. its like people lives are so shitty and its so apparent but they feel as though they need to fucking lie out their asshole and act like everything is okay. and for some maybe there life is as great as they portray and i highly doubt that. if someone asks me how i'm doing i say fucking alright man. its like goddamn do we need to really be that fake and force ourselves in a world that doesnt exist. mother fuck. go fuck a dog. and kiss my mother fucking boot in your face. blahhhhhhhhhh such anger and hostility towards everything eh?? well until things work out in my head i will continue to be one cynical fuck. and i like to be this way sometimes...it is a lot harder to be happy then sad but fuck..i'm young and happiness takes time to achieve. to me happiness is about trial and error. you fucking try and whatever feels right is happiness but how many times in life does something feel right vs. feels okay at the moment. i have a lot of at the moment fits. but is that true happiness. probably not.

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Title:	God
Date:	2008-05-23 @ 12:11
Security:	public
Music:	le tigre
Mood:	fucked up

man i feel like a tore up mess right now. i just have all these thoughts that creep into my head and i become obsessed and virtually unhappy after that. it seems that i have some insecurities. no shocker right. like who doesn't but its like im pretty confident in the person i am and then there are certain things that creep under my skin and fucking pick away at my flesh and they won't go away. i wish i was always busy and even though i seem so overwhelmed with school i still have time to sweat the small stuff. in the fall i'm taking 4 classes and starting a new minor, womens studies as well as my already minor psychology. some times i wonder if i should do certain things to change my life drastically but those things are my security blanket as of now and i would be even more destraut or lost it seems if i let go of some things.

mother fuck. dude. i feel like a fucking defect in every which way possible. i feel like vomiting. and i dont think anyone would understand that actually mattered.

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Title:	today
Date:	2007-09-24 @ 14:32
Security:	public
Mood:	irate

today has to be one of those stereotypical bad days; where it almost dosn't feel real so many hang ups have happened. i had class this morning at 10:00 and i didn't get to drink any coffee or eat anything before i went to class. so as i was heading to class there was INTENSE traffic on hampton blvd going to ODU. there were signs saying EXPECT DELAYS..yeah 30 minute delays. so i was 30 minutes late for class. class was okay except for the fact that my partner wanted to be a dick and tell me i was getting to personal with my helping skills. um to bad that was part of the assignment. god what a freak anyway. so i was offended and just all together angry. so class is over and i go to my car and get a parking ticket. okay WHATTHEFUCK?!?! i parked in a faculty spot without really realizing it which came to a 20 dollar fine. ughhhh. i mean money is going to the tuition to the books to the parking permit to gas getting there to fucking everything else that has to do with ODU and these dickholes persist on making more money off of giving poor ass college students a parking ticket. these people are going to hell. seriously they are getting fucked. god dang it. now i have to write a paper on "who am i" that is the actual title assignment and what makes me me. haha well thats fucking easy irritation and fucked up people who piss me off make me the frustrated fuck i am.

fuck ittttttttttttttttt.

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Title:	yeahhh
Date:	2007-08-15 @ 09:16
Security:	public
Mood:	satisfied

cat power is coming in october yes. i've been waiting for this for a long time.

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Title:	lately
Date:	2007-08-06 @ 00:32
Security:	public
Mood:	contemplative

I put in my Doves cd while driving to work today. i kind of hesitated because i felt like it was my winter music but it actually was awesome to listen to even though it was so hot outside. Nick got me that cd for christmas. it's funny i never even knew who that band was but nick thought i'd like it and i do. i like that he knows my taste in music quite well. When i got out of my car to walk up to work i left it on a good song and was stoked that it would come on when i was driving home around 12. Nick came up to my work and brought be lavander daises they are so beautiful. we haven't got to spend much time together lately so he thought to surprise me with some flowers which is so cute. especially since they were purple and bright which made them all the more better. I got so excited i put them in a vase right away and set them on my dresser in my room.

for those of you who like visuals....

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Title:	more interesting lifestyles
Date:	2007-07-31 @ 23:46
Security:	public
Mood:	tired

my summer classes are officially over. which also means i am no longer a TCC student and have now upped my status to a ODU student. i start ODU on the 27th and Christina is making the adjustment to ODU fairly easy with all her help.

Today i went down to nagshead with me mom and sister to have a big family get together. Nagshead officially sucks. the beach house was nice but we decided to go get some food which wasn't a good idea at all nagshead is way over priced and has the most disgusting restaurants ever. eww.

next week me and nick both have off and i'm looking forward to this we might now be able to go to the caverns like we wanted to that week because of how long it will take our tickets to come in the mail. But I have a lot of other things planned that i would love to do that week.

Germany awaits me in December and talking about it with my cousins has made me excited but nervous at the same time. basically this is how is all happening.

My grandma is picking me up the 23rd of december and we will drive back up to pennsylvania and i will stay at her house till the 26th when we will be leaving for the trip. Me and my cousin plan on going to new york for the day in those couple of days to check out the whole christmas in new york which i of course am thrilled about since i have never been to newyork. The plane leaves the 26th and we will be flying to london where we will then take another plane to amsterdam where we will stay the night in amsterdam then board our cruise ship getting off everyday to do tours. Then we will be staying on the ship for about a week and then we will fly back i believe january 1st or 2nd and then i will be back home around the 3-5 of january.

woooooah. i have never been away from my family especially not around christmas.
Plus the whole 1 1/2 years me and nick have been together we have never spent more than 2-3 days apart. so i'm really nervous about getting homesick. I know that the trip will be an amazing experience but i can't help but feel like if only nick could go with me everything would be that much more amazing. I just wish he could be there to enjoy all of germany with me :(

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Title:	yeah
Date:	2007-06-10 @ 18:19
Security:	public
Mood:	tired

today i had to sit in a driving improvement class because of my ticket i got last october. i was there from 9am-4pm. lame lame lame. now im working on a treatment for phobias paper for abnormal psych that's due at the end of this month. I also have to study for a art history test that is on tuesday i pretty much know the art i just need to review that years that it was made.

i have to go to the postoffice and get my passport soon so i can go to germany in the winter.

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Title:	damn
Date:	2007-04-30 @ 00:19
Security:	public
Music:	Cat Power
Mood:	drained

This weekend was fucking awful i worked friday 4-12, saturday was busy as hell i worked 2-10, then sunday i worked 2-11 i was supposed to only work till 10 but whatever it was fine. at least im done and feel like a new world needs to be discovered.

i don't work again till friday so fuck YEAH!

tomorrow i have one class till 10:50. then i have to bring my car to get all this work done to it. i have to get an oilchange and then bring my car to get repaired. I won't have my car for 4 days. I'm actually pretty excited about it. Now i will be forced to chill for a second and breath. and can be driven around all over the place. nice nice

I have 2 exams this week Tuesday and Thursday and me and Nick I believe our going to BG Thursday so that will be fun hopefully its not overbearingly hot.

I'm going to try to enjoy the rest of my life for godsake i'm so sick of being sad, angry, frustrated, mean. I just want to be nice i want to have the.."at least im alive" attitude or maybe just realize things could be worse. AM i really this selfish? am i really this greedy for more and more better things to happen to me. NEVER SATISFIED.
things need to change damn it. i'm so sick of this gloom just chillen on my shoulder. give me happiness. give me love. give me a fucking clue.

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Title:	YESSS
Date:	2007-04-20 @ 08:22
Security:	public
Mood:	satisfied

Thank you Flaming Lips for existing and playing a show last night that made me want to plant flowers and make the world a better place.

AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

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Title:	ahhhhhhh
Date:	2007-03-31 @ 10:29
Security:	public
Music:	nirvana: Big long now
Mood:	hungry

Today i don't have to work till 6 which means me and nick are going to enjoy the weather and do something...

I finally got that research paper over and done with now my focus is humanities art paper 2 geology projects and what ever exams i have to study for.

Then me and Nick are going to celebrate my freedom for a month with a trip to busch gardens haha what a treat!! i love buschgardens im def getting a fun pass this year.

and i need to buy tv on the radio tickets today so i can jam outttttttttt.

i have to take 2 classes this summer then odu in the fall. as soon as my transcripts get there.

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