This isn't love, this is shelter.

blahh

Sat, 24 May 2008 21:37:02 GMT

is there something wrong with me that when people advertise how happy they are i want to vomit all over the floor infront of me and then take it and throw it at people. when i'm happy i'm happy but i don't feel this need to tell the whole world. i sometimes see myself as a pessamist but i feel like i'm just fucking moderate. when i'm sad i'm sad when i'm happy i'm happy. i mean i'm not going to advertise to the world how i want to go float on a fucking love boat in the sky and sprinkle confetti on everyone near me. fuck these people. I do not know what world anyone lives in but i know i live in one that is fucking continous bull shit and when i have a good day its like i like to hold onto it inside and not let anyone into my happy circle. fuck i dont know..i feel like everyone just all the sudden got fake happy. its like people lives are so shitty and its so apparent but they feel as though they need to fucking lie out their asshole and act like everything is okay. and for some maybe there life is as great as they portray and i highly doubt that. if someone asks me how i'm doing i say fucking alright man. its like goddamn do we need to really be that fake and force ourselves in a world that doesnt exist. mother fuck. go fuck a dog. and kiss my mother fucking boot in your face. blahhhhhhhhhh such anger and hostility towards everything eh?? well until things work out in my head i will continue to be one cynical fuck. and i like to be this way sometimes...it is a lot harder to be happy then sad but fuck..i'm young and happiness takes time to achieve. to me happiness is about trial and error. you fucking try and whatever feels right is happiness but how many times in life does something feel right vs. feels okay at the moment. i have a lot of at the moment fits. but is that true happiness. probably not.

God

Fri, 23 May 2008 16:24:07 GMT

man i feel like a tore up mess right now. i just have all these thoughts that creep into my head and i become obsessed and virtually unhappy after that. it seems that i have some insecurities. no shocker right. like who doesn't but its like im pretty confident in the person i am and then there are certain things that creep under my skin and fucking pick away at my flesh and they won't go away. i wish i was always busy and even though i seem so overwhelmed with school i still have time to sweat the small stuff. in the fall i'm taking 4 classes and starting a new minor, womens studies as well as my already minor psychology. some times i wonder if i should do certain things to change my life drastically but those things are my security blanket as of now and i would be even more destraut or lost it seems if i let go of some things.

mother fuck. dude. i feel like a fucking defect in every which way possible. i feel like vomiting. and i dont think anyone would understand that actually mattered.

today

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 18:41:23 GMT

today has to be one of those stereotypical bad days; where it almost dosn't feel real so many hang ups have happened. i had class this morning at 10:00 and i didn't get to drink any coffee or eat anything before i went to class. so as i was heading to class there was INTENSE traffic on hampton blvd going to ODU. there were signs saying EXPECT DELAYS..yeah 30 minute delays. so i was 30 minutes late for class. class was okay except for the fact that my partner wanted to be a dick and tell me i was getting to personal with my helping skills. um to bad that was part of the assignment. god what a freak anyway. so i was offended and just all together angry. so class is over and i go to my car and get a parking ticket. okay WHATTHEFUCK?!?! i parked in a faculty spot without really realizing it which came to a 20 dollar fine. ughhhh. i mean money is going to the tuition to the books to the parking permit to gas getting there to fucking everything else that has to do with ODU and these dickholes persist on making more money off of giving poor ass college students a parking ticket. these people are going to hell. seriously they are getting fucked. god dang it. now i have to write a paper on "who am i" that is the actual title assignment and what makes me me. haha well thats fucking easy irritation and fucked up people who piss me off make me the frustrated fuck i am.

fuck ittttttttttttttttt.

yeahhh

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 13:15:18 GMT

cat power is coming in october yes. i've been waiting for this for a long time.

lately

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 04:43:29 GMT

I put in my Doves cd while driving to work today. i kind of hesitated because i felt like it was my winter music but it actually was awesome to listen to even though it was so hot outside. Nick got me that cd for christmas. it's funny i never even knew who that band was but nick thought i'd like it and i do. i like that he knows my taste in music quite well. When i got out of my car to walk up to work i left it on a good song and was stoked that it would come on when i was driving home around 12. Nick came up to my work and brought be lavander daises they are so beautiful. we haven't got to spend much time together lately so he thought to surprise me with some flowers which is so cute. especially since they were purple and bright which made them all the more better. I got so excited i put them in a vase right away and set them on my dresser in my room.
for those of you who like visuals....

more interesting lifestyles

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 03:58:10 GMT

my summer classes are officially over. which also means i am no longer a TCC student and have now upped my status to a ODU student. i start ODU on the 27th and Christina is making the adjustment to ODU fairly easy with all her help.

Today i went down to nagshead with me mom and sister to have a big family get together. Nagshead officially sucks. the beach house was nice but we decided to go get some food which wasn't a good idea at all nagshead is way over priced and has the most disgusting restaurants ever. eww.

next week me and nick both have off and i'm looking forward to this we might now be able to go to the caverns like we wanted to that week because of how long it will take our tickets to come in the mail. But I have a lot of other things planned that i would love to do that week.

Germany awaits me in December and talking about it with my cousins has made me excited but nervous at the same time. basically this is how is all happening.

My grandma is picking me up the 23rd of december and we will drive back up to pennsylvania and i will stay at her house till the 26th when we will be leaving for the trip. Me and my cousin plan on going to new york for the day in those couple of days to check out the whole christmas in new york which i of course am thrilled about since i have never been to newyork. The plane leaves the 26th and we will be flying to london where we will then take another plane to amsterdam where we will stay the night in amsterdam then board our cruise ship getting off everyday to do tours. Then we will be staying on the ship for about a week and then we will fly back i believe january 1st or 2nd and then i will be back home around the 3-5 of january.

woooooah. i have never been away from my family especially not around christmas.
Plus the whole 1 1/2 years me and nick have been together we have never spent more than 2-3 days apart. so i'm really nervous about getting homesick. I know that the trip will be an amazing experience but i can't help but feel like if only nick could go with me everything would be that much more amazing. I just wish he could be there to enjoy all of germany with me :(

yeah

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 22:17:37 GMT

today i had to sit in a driving improvement class because of my ticket i got last october. i was there from 9am-4pm. lame lame lame. now im working on a treatment for phobias paper for abnormal psych that's due at the end of this month. I also have to study for a art history test that is on tuesday i pretty much know the art i just need to review that years that it was made.

i have to go to the postoffice and get my passport soon so i can go to germany in the winter.

damn

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 04:26:51 GMT

This weekend was fucking awful i worked friday 4-12, saturday was busy as hell i worked 2-10, then sunday i worked 2-11 i was supposed to only work till 10 but whatever it was fine. at least im done and feel like a new world needs to be discovered.

i don't work again till friday so fuck YEAH!

tomorrow i have one class till 10:50. then i have to bring my car to get all this work done to it. i have to get an oilchange and then bring my car to get repaired. I won't have my car for 4 days. I'm actually pretty excited about it. Now i will be forced to chill for a second and breath. and can be driven around all over the place. nice nice

I have 2 exams this week Tuesday and Thursday and me and Nick I believe our going to BG Thursday so that will be fun hopefully its not overbearingly hot.

I'm going to try to enjoy the rest of my life for godsake i'm so sick of being sad, angry, frustrated, mean. I just want to be nice i want to have the.."at least im alive" attitude or maybe just realize things could be worse. AM i really this selfish? am i really this greedy for more and more better things to happen to me. NEVER SATISFIED.
things need to change damn it. i'm so sick of this gloom just chillen on my shoulder. give me happiness. give me love. give me a fucking clue.

YESSS

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 12:23:59 GMT

Thank you Flaming Lips for existing and playing a show last night that made me want to plant flowers and make the world a better place.

AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

ahhhhhhh

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 14:40:30 GMT

Today i don't have to work till 6 which means me and nick are going to enjoy the weather and do something...

I finally got that research paper over and done with now my focus is humanities art paper 2 geology projects and what ever exams i have to study for.

Then me and Nick are going to celebrate my freedom for a month with a trip to busch gardens haha what a treat!! i love buschgardens im def getting a fun pass this year.

and i need to buy tv on the radio tickets today so i can jam outttttttttt.

i have to take 2 classes this summer then odu in the fall. as soon as my transcripts get there.

yes!!!1

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 17:03:45 GMT

yesterday i bought tickets for me and nick to go see the flaming lips april 19th YESSS im so stoked ive been listening to them nonstop.

dudeee.

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 03:01:06 GMT

haha i was listening to love line on the way home tonight from nicks it was really enjoyable i think im going to have to start listening to it every chance i get.

so starts another week of class and i need to buy some scantrons before my first class at 10am tomorrow because i have a test.

still haven't started my paper yet and i have 2 more test this week i need to study for. i can't wait for this semester to be over it really sucked. by far worst semester i've had at tcc.

ugh

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 17:53:46 GMT

Today was my first day back to class and i forgot my second class was canceled for the day. so i waited around vabeach tcc for an hour that was unnecessary.

i bought the new maria taylor cd today it's reallly reallly good. god buying cds is the best thing ever. i don't own an ipod or any kind of mp3 player i don't have any means of downloading music onto my computer so i buy cds and don't feel like my money is being wasted, i like having the books and the cases. it gets me pretty excited.

i think every person driving on the road today was a DICK. i mean i pull into 7-eleven as someone was trying to pull out of the same exit/entrance and he makes it out like i got in his way asshole i swear man he was like a married dad with his wife in the car talking on his cell phone and we both made faces at each other haha. whatever.
ALSO as i was being a pedestrian walking across the road this person in their car decides to let me walk across but is going to wave their hand rapidly till i get all the way across don't FUCKING stop your car to let me go if you're going to get all pissy damn.

anyways today was not a good driving day and i usually am fine on the road with no nonsense.

ughh..im a little stressed

diee

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 17:38:36 GMT

The new Arcade Fire album Neon Bible is amazing.I've been listening to nothing else the past 2 days.

I worked last night 330-12 god that shift doesn't seem bad when im working it then for some reason the next day i feel really tired. Oh maybe because im working 8 hours till the damn crack of dawn.

Spring break wasn't good last year i worked all during my spring break which really wasn't a vacation at all. I feel better that i got some time to just waste away and not do anything this year but now i feel like i'm not going to be able to get back into my school groove at all i have a 6 page research paper i have to write by March 30th and it's not that i can't write it its just i hate when you have limited topics and i picked different cultures wedding ceremonies. I just hope i find a lot on it im horrible at knowing what to type in search engines to get my information. online and at the library so im basically going to be screwed.

I've been on really good pain medicine the past week and now i have to get off of it on monday and go to the doctor and i dont want to get worse again. dkfjdkfjdkfjksdjf

I think im going to start buying cds again. i stopped for a while because so many people were burning me cds this past year and before that i was buying 2 new cds a week. and i loved it. So now im going to put money towards that again although i've been building up my movie collection too so i might alternate between cds and movies.

I WANT SUMMER GOD! i am ridiculously fantasizing about the beach my new bikini im going to buy. its like 3 years ago i was like OH YEAH winter my favorite month where i can be depressed and wear a damn scarf fuck that. im all about some BEACH girl PARTY this year. no just kidding but i am all about warmth and not having to give a shit about my face cause i have a tan and can get away with 2 weeks unwashed hair. YEAAAAAA

sweet

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 01:37:45 GMT

I should be writing up my child psych articles but im taking a break.

i have a mid term tuesday in humanities.
i have articles in child psych due friday
and 2 geology projects due end of semester
and a research paper due end of march.
which doesnt sound like a lot but im getting stressed...i only work on the weekends and i bitch and complain about that. its like i just want to remember what it was like to have a summer vacation out of school and no job sleep in every day and stay up as late as you wanted. i have all these doctor appointments to go to all the time which are mingled in with all my school bullshit. i love that i can never make it to class on time i leave my house and have to count down the minutes i have till im late then i walk into class feeling like an idiot. oh well. im on some new medicine which i can actually sleep at night now that im not in pain. starbucks apparently sells really good cds. i went in there and they had the shins, the decemberists, and beck and im like uhhh wtf? starbucks you trendy little bastard. lets see i have girl interaction about every other year. damn ittttttttt. alright this sore on my tongue needs to be cut off.

its been a bloody stupid day

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 05:33:39 GMT

yeah so i haven't gotten to bed earlier then 2 the past 3 weeks.

im pretty excited about new classes starting back up.

i got kind of bored and started reading comments from like 3 years ago on myspace. and i was in contact with a lot more people than i am now.

i use to get out more its sad.

today

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 14:44:35 GMT

i have to study for my sociology and geology exams
look for black pants and shirts for work.
go grocery shopping.

wait for nick to get off work to hang out with him.

wait for medicine to work before i can eat.

wash my face.

get ready.

i start training/paperwork at barnes and nobles tomorrow im kind of excited. i don't know im not as nervous as i usually am starting a new job. i think i will like it. but i like my sleep too. damn it. im going to die.

please take me to your leaderrrr

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 19:40:36 GMT

BLAH! school work is consuming my lifeeee. i have 2 papers due in sociology on this movie that i have to relate to chapters in my book. then i have this big geology project due in about a month. and a research paper for english plus random tests..papers papers are all i do. im actually getting a taste for writing more than i ever have before this could be good.

Barnes and Nobles called me today for a interview. hopefully all goes well. Thanks to the people that helped me out yo!

hopefully haveing a job wont exhaust me like before but i think it will be better now though since i started taking calcium for my decaying bones. i can actually stand without limping now.

ehhh.. i have been working on this poetry essay with walt whitman for a while now. for some reason im really trying to make this paper excellent. i think i like walt thats why he deserves the best paper about him ever.

i just drank a cup of coffee with pumpkin spice pie creamer and now im bouncing off the walls. GREEEAT

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 16:22:11 GMT

As of lately, i guess to past 2 days i've been kind of in a slump..i don't know.

first off i kind of need to get a job, for christmas gift money. I reallly want to work at starbucks good money and i would love to make drinks all day. the only negative is the hours they are open are going to suck when i have to wake up for school in the morning.

Plus this semester is kicking my ass..im doing good in all my classes its just i actually have to put forth some effort where in the past i kind of just cruised by made good grades and didnt really even study too hard.

damn it. erg.

oh yea for those of you that are interested i bought the coat i was talking about in the previous entry.

babbb

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 04:17:47 GMT

So much talk about tattoos.but im a scaredy and feel like im too regretful and cautious to get one anytime soon. friendship tattoos are so appealing though.

i reallly want this red coat from H&M it is soooo fucking adorable..i can't handle it ive tryed it on 3 times in the last week in the store and it is 70 dollars i could buy it with savings money but i hate the idea of using my money from my savings..im thinking total shopping trip with the mom but the size might be gone.

I NEED THIS COAT to complete my life.

moneymoneyneedajobmoney.

post viral.

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 02:00:10 GMT

so i seem to have a post viral inflammation..from the stomach flu i had around april..which has been screwing me over since then.

it supposedly will go away in a year. i don't fuck around i definitely got tylenol arthritis.

so i wonder why im always 5-10 minutes late for class. not to mention the over crowded parking lot.

so i want a break from life. i realize when i don't work i get more lazy and seem to put off things that i normally would have squeezed in between class and work..so i am like aw man i got all day to fuck off. and do nothing i can go out to the store anytime then i pass out on my couch while reading this sweet nonfiction book.

so i went grocery shopping. and realized 54 dollars didnt really get a whole lot. damn it...and not to mention me being so cheerful i went to the self check out...oh man never again.

tomorrow is jeremiahs neutering oh god. im pretty freaking nervous.

i love that little cutie even if he does bite me and tries to make love to my leg.

hopefully this will solve the problem.

i like to gab.

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 21:14:10 GMT

i woke up this morning to go to class at TCC. I felt like i was waking up to go to high school. this year at tcc is weird.

but i had this good feeling of fall approaching since i finally could wear a pair of new jeans instead of raggedy shorts from summer.

saturday is my last day at taste unlimited. then a long break from work.

I want to work at freakin Sanrio so bad.

i got 2 plain shirts from the craft store today.

Beba.

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 23:39:51 GMT

I'm so aggravated my bones are decaying.

deer.

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 02:23:41 GMT

i was driving home tonight, i turned onto my street and there was a family of deer and i stoped my car and they started running right infront of my car onto the other side of the road. aww i love deer. they have no where to go because all their forests have been cut down. they can't be in their natural greenery. i love the deer and deerylou.

kristin

heyy.

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 16:32:27 GMT

i have tonsillitis or strep throat. i don't really know which one? there is pus on my tonsils but i can still swallow. i feel okay today so i think im going to go out regardless. i drank coffee last night at like 10 not a good idea. didnt get to sleep until 3ish caffiene obviously affects me. nick and I are going to just sit around today because i dont feel like doing much of anything..i dont have to do school or work today. but tomorrow 930am to work i go. i probably will die.